I just found some of my old journals and I was brokenhearted by where I was in my life at that time. Brokenness bleeds off of the pages. Hopelessness, despair, depression, fear and then desperate hope and the struggle to find true healing. It's all there in black and white. My pain and struggle on paper. Truthfully, I was tempted to throw them away or burn them. The thought of someone finding them is kind of embarrassing. The entries break my heart for the person I was. Then I remembered God uses broken people!
I grew up in the church. My parents and grandparents were extremely involved and my husband and I followed in their footsteps. I've found that the pressure of being a Christian is tough. The pressure is never from God but comes from other people. They expect perfection not brokenness. Brokenness makes people uncomfortable. My own brokenness makes me uncomfortable! It's far easier for me to project my hope for perfection onto another person. I can fantasize that they are fixed, cured and perfect so that means that I can be too. I forget the power of the cross and the fact that Jesus is the only one that can heal me. I pretend that other people are perfect so that I can stay stuck in shame and self judgment. I look to other people; their success and money, their perfect family, their perfect instagram pictures and I judge myself for not being that perfect and successful. What a load of crap! Truly! We have to embrace the brokenness that is us because in that we find healing and freedom. We find our passion and purpose. God uses broken people!
Reading through the pages of my journal, interwoven throughout the pain, is a reliance on the only one that has ever really been perfect. Jesus! My deep desperate cries to Him in those pages were heard and answered. The road is hard and the journey extremely difficult at times. But the freedom of letting go of perfection and shame is worth it. The joy in accepting my brokenness because he already paid for it is priceless. The ability to live through my brokenness instead of in it is worthy of throwing a party! Let's celebrate our brokenness because God uses broken people!